The Conversations Dads Keep Avoiding
The Weight of What We Don’t SayInside this issue
On My MindIt’s surprisingly easy to get used to carrying things you never actually deal with. During my conversation with Mylena Sutton, we spent a lot of time talking about avoided conversations. The stuff that sits in the background for weeks, months, or sometimes years because addressing it feels uncomfortable, inconvenient, or risky. The tension at home you convince yourself isn’t worth bringing up. The frustration at work you keep pushing aside because everyone’s already stressed. The internal conversations you avoid with yourself because you don’t even know where to start. What I appreciated most about Mylena’s perspective is that she didn’t frame avoidance as weakness or emotional immaturity. She framed it as feeling stuck: “What avoidance really is, is you feeling stuck.” I think a lot of people know that feeling, especially during seasons where work, parenting, finances, and responsibilities all start stacking on top of each other at the same time. You don’t always avoid the conversation because you don’t care. Sometimes you avoid it because you genuinely don’t know what the right outcome looks like. Sometimes you’re trying to keep the peace. Sometimes you’re exhausted. Sometimes you convince yourself it’ll be easier to deal with later. Meanwhile, the pressure keeps building anyway. Mylena shared a story about finally exploding during a conversation with her mother after years of holding things in. She described it as “projectile vomit.” Not because she suddenly became angry in that moment, but because years of frustration, tension, and avoidance all came out at once. I think most people have experienced some version of that. Maybe not yelling. Maybe not even outward conflict, but definitely the feeling of carrying something longer than you should have. Mylena went on to talk about the importance of carving out something for yourself, even in busy seasons. She said, “You’ve gotta reserve, it’s almost like paying a tithe to yourself.” I liked that framing because it wasn’t really about self-care in the trendy sense of the word. It was about sustainability. A lot of dads get very good at functioning. We handle logistics. We solve problems. We keep the schedule moving, but somewhere in there, it becomes easy to spend all your energy managing responsibilities without stopping to ask whether the way you’re operating is actually sustainable long term. The older I get, the more I realize that ignored emotions don’t disappear. They usually just show up somewhere else eventually. In your work. In your marriage. In your patience. In your energy. In the way you respond to small things that normally wouldn’t bother you. Usually not all at once. Usually slowly. Don’t Wait Until the Third or Fourth TimeThere was a point during our conversation where Mylena broke down how resentment usually builds in relationships, and it was surprisingly simple. Not every irritation deserves confrontation. Some things genuinely are small. Some moments are just stress, timing, or normal friction between people. But patterns are different. That’s where resentment starts building. Why it MattersA lot of relationship damage doesn’t come from one major event. It comes from repeated smaller moments that never get acknowledged. The first time something happens, you might let it slide. The second time, you notice it more. By the third or fourth time, you’re no longer responding to one isolated behavior. You’re reacting to accumulated frustration. That’s what Mylena meant when she talked about being “halfway up conflict mountain.” At that point, the conversation is already carrying emotional weight the other person probably doesn’t even realize exists. The FrameworkFirst time: Take note. Mylena called it a “memo to the file.” You don’t necessarily need to confront every issue immediately, but you should pay attention to what lingers with you. Second time: Address it. Not in the heat of the moment. Not while emotions are peaking. But before the issue turns into a pattern in your mind. Why it WorksMost people can adjust when they understand something matters to you. The bigger problem is when someone learns about your frustration for the very first time during an explosion. That’s when conversations stop being productive and start becoming defensive. Pro TipMylena shared a simple way to open difficult conversations: “We need to have a conversation, and I am doing my best to think well about you so that you can hear my intent.” That approach lowers the temperature immediately. You’re not walking into the conversation trying to win. You’re walking into it trying to be understood. The Go-To-Hell FundMylena talked about the importance of building what she calls a “go-to-hell fund.” Basically, enough financial breathing room that every decision in your life isn’t controlled entirely by fear. The point isn’t quitting your job impulsively or avoiding responsibility. It’s having enough margin to protect the things that matter most to you when pressure shows up. Why it Matters When your financial margin is razor thin, every difficult decision gets distorted. You tolerate things longer. You stay quiet more often. You compromise values you normally wouldn’t compromise because the consequences feel too risky. As Mylena put it: “When your margin is so thin, it changes the algebra every single time.” That line perfectly captures why financial optionality matters. It changes how honestly you can show up. What This Actually Looks Like A go-to-hell fund doesn’t have to mean early retirement money. It might mean building a few months of savings. It might mean reducing unnecessary lifestyle creep, creating a second income stream, or paying down debt aggressively. The goal is creating enough breathing room to make thoughtful decisions instead of panic reactions. Why it Works The goal isn’t independence from work. The goal is reducing the feeling that every important value in your life is negotiable because you’re financially cornered. That changes how you show up at work. It changes how confidently you advocate for your family. And honestly, it changes how much fear controls your decision-making. Pro Tip If building a financial cushion feels overwhelming, start by calculating your “pressure number.” What’s the minimum amount of monthly money your household actually needs to function? A lot of people don’t know that number clearly, and uncertainty tends to amplify stress. Time to Sprint: Untangle the Conversation Before You Have ItA lot of avoided conversations become harder than they need to be because multiple frustrations get fused together over time. You’re not reacting to one comment, one behavior, or one moment. You’re reacting to six months of accumulated irritation, assumptions, stress, disappointment, and emotional backlog all at once. That’s usually when conversations stop being productive. So, this week’s sprint is about separating the actual issue from everything that got attached to it afterward. How to Do It Minutes 0–10: Separate Facts From Story
Some of those stories may be true. Some may not. The goal is simply separating interpretation from reality before emotions start driving the entire conversation. Minutes 10–15: Figure Out What’s Underneath the Frustration Most frustration isn’t just frustration. Usually, there’s something underneath it:
Take a few minutes and ask yourself what’s actually driving your reaction. That answer tends to matter more than the surface argument itself. Minutes 15–20: Define the Outcome Before you ever start the conversation, decide what you actually want from it. Do you want:
These are very different conversations. A lot of difficult conversations go poorly because people walk into them emotionally overloaded without knowing what outcome they’re actually hoping for. Bonus 5 Minutes: Write the Opening Sentence Not the whole speech. Just the first sentence that gets the conversation moving without turning it into a fight immediately. Mylena shared this suggestion: “We need to have a conversation, and I am doing my best to think well about you so that you can hear my intent.” That kind of framing changes the temperature of a conversation before it even begins. Pro Tip The goal isn’t to rehearse the perfect conversation. The goal is to understand your own reaction well enough that the conversation doesn’t immediately become bigger than the actual issue. Your MoveWhere in your life are you carrying more pressure than you admit out loud? Hit reply and let me know. I read every response. Connect with MylenaMylena Sutton has a rare ability to make difficult conversations feel practical instead of abstract. Throughout this episode, she kept bringing the conversation back to something simple but uncomfortable: the things we avoid emotionally don’t stay contained. They eventually show up everywhere else. Her approach isn’t about becoming perfect communicators. It’s about becoming more honest, more self-aware, and more aligned with what actually matters to you. If this episode resonated with you, I’d strongly encourage you to spend more time with her work. Follow Mylena On her website: https://www.mylenasutton.com/invitations On Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mylenasutton On LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mylenasutton On her podcast, The Leadership Drives: https://theleadershipdrives.com/ On the Show This WeekContinue the ConversationThis week’s conversation with Mylena Sutton covered way more than communication. We talked about emotional backlog, resentment, shame, alignment, work stress, family expectations, financial pressure, and the ways dads quietly convince themselves they just need to keep carrying more. Mylena didn’t approach any of it from a place of empty motivation or surface-level positivity. The conversation stayed grounded in practical reality. Sometimes work is overwhelming. Sometimes family life feels heavy. Sometimes you genuinely feel stuck. Avoiding those realities usually makes them heavier. In this episode, we talked about:
If someone in your life has been carrying a lot silently lately, send this episode their way. Check it Out🎧 Mylena Sutton on the Conversations Working Dads Keep Avoiding Listen on your favorite podcast platform The Last Laugh🤣 The slow motion paper falling… |
