What If the Success You’re Chasing Isn’t What You Actually Want?
Start With What You Can ControlInside this issue
On My MindA life can look right from the outside and still feel wrong when you’re the one living it. The title, salary, house, and packed family calendar may all suggest you’re doing well, while your energy and the way you show up at home tell a very different story. That tension sat at the center of my conversation this week with Kurt Bush. Kurt has spent the last couple of decades leading in manufacturing and nonprofit organizations, and today he’s a certified Internal Family Systems practitioner, trauma-informed coach, and co-founder of Brimstone Coaching Group. His work helps leaders move beyond performing success so they can build something more sustainable and real. Kurt believes many of us learned to chase goals before we learned to decide whether those goals belonged to us. We measure our careers by promotions, our parenting by our kids’ grades or achievements, and our lives by outcomes we can influence but never fully control. When the results fall short, we can interpret them as proof that we’re failing, even when we showed up with care, effort, and integrity. His alternative is to focus on inputs. You can’t control whether a meeting goes perfectly, but you can control how prepared and present you are. You can’t control whether your kid reaches a goal, but you can decide how you’ll respond when they miss it. As Kurt put it, “I’m ridiculously in charge of my life.” That includes how you define success and what you choose to pursue. This doesn’t mean giving up ambition or ignoring results. It means choosing measures that keep your agency intact. When you focus on how you show up, you create a definition of success that can hold up through difficult meetings, disappointing outcomes, and changing seasons of fatherhood. Measure What You Can ControlMost of us track outcomes because they’re visible. Revenue, promotions, grades, wins, and completed projects are easy to count, but they don’t tell the full story of how you’re living. Why it MattersAn outcome-only definition of success places much of your sense of progress in other people’s hands. A strong effort can still produce a disappointing result, and a lucky break can make a poor process look better than it was. Inputs bring the focus back to your choices. They help you evaluate the quality of your effort and the way you showed up, even when the result wasn’t what you wanted. How to Measure What You Can ControlChoose one area of your life and write down the result you’re chasing. Then separate the outcome from the inputs that support it. At work Outcome: Earn the promotion. Inputs: Prepare well, ask for useful feedback, communicate clearly, and follow through. At home Outcome: Raise confident, successful kids. Inputs: Listen, stay curious, create appropriate boundaries, and support them when they struggle. For yourself Outcome: Feel less exhausted. Inputs: Protect time for rest, notice what drains you, and speak honestly when your capacity is stretched. Why it WorksYou can repeat and improve an input which gives you something useful to examine after a hard day instead of turning one result into a judgment about who you are. Pro TipIf someone else can prevent you from completing it, you’re probably still measuring an outcome. Rewrite it until the action belongs to you. “Get my boss to notice my work” becomes “Send a concise weekly update that shows my progress and impact.” The E + R = T Reflection ToolKurt and his coaching partner use a simple equation to describe growth: Encounter + Reflection = Transformation An encounter is any moment that leads you to react in a way you don’t understand or prefer. Maybe you shut down during a difficult meeting, snapped at your kids after work, or turned a harmless disagreement into an argument you never meant to have. Reflection is the intentional pause that follows, when you look at what happened, how you responded, and what you’d prefer to do differently next time. Why it Matters Without reflection, the moment passes but the pattern stays. You may carry the frustration forward, repeat the same response, or let shame turn one mistake into a story about your character. Reflection gives you enough distance to see what happened without pretending it didn’t matter. As Kurt said, “Transformation doesn’t come from information. If it did, we would already all be transformed.” Growth requires a chance to practice a different response. How to Use It After an encounter you regret, answer four questions:
You can reflect five minutes later, that evening, or the next day. The goal is to notice the encounter while it’s still useful, then identify the response you’d prefer when a similar moment arrives. Why it Works At first, growth may look like seeing the pattern in the rearview mirror. With practice, the time between the encounter and your awareness can shrink. Eventually, you may recognize the pattern soon enough to pause before it takes over. Pro Tip Reflect without assigning yourself a verdict. You’re reviewing a moment so you can learn from it, clean up what needs to be repaired, and respond with more intention next time. Time to Sprint: Give the Pressure Somewhere to GoPressure rarely disappears when the workday ends. If you don’t process it, it looks for another outlet, and the people at home can end up feeling the effects of something they had nothing to do with. Why it Matters Kurt compared suppressed emotions to holding a beach ball underwater. You can keep it down for a while, but doing so requires more effort as the pressure builds. Eventually, the ball comes back to the surface, often faster and less predictably than you’d like. Giving that pressure a deliberate outlet can keep it from surfacing where it doesn’t belong. How to Do It Minutes 0–5: Name the pressure Choose one thing from work or another part of life that you’re carrying right now. Write down what’s happening and why it’s weighing on you. Keep it specific. Minutes 5–10: Trace where it’s going Notice how that pressure changes the way you show up elsewhere. Maybe you become impatient, distracted, withdrawn, or quicker to argue. Write down the first signal that tells you the pressure is starting to spill over. Minutes 10–20: Release some of it now Choose one healthy outlet and use it for five minutes. Take a quick walk, write an unfiltered page, record a private voice note, stretch, breathe, or send a message to someone you trust asking for time to talk. Bonus 5 Minutes: Write your pressure-release plan Complete this sentence: “When I notice ________________, I’ll take ____ minutes to ________________ before I move into the next part of my day.” Make the action realistic enough to use during a busy week. Why it Works Naming the pressure makes it easier to manage, and recognizing your earliest signal gives you a chance to act before someone else absorbs it. A deliberate outlet gives the pressure somewhere safer to go before reaction takes over. Pro Tip Match the outlet to what you need. If your body feels restless, move. If your thoughts are looping, write them down. If you need to feel heard, ask someone to listen without trying to solve the problem. Your MoveWhere are you measuring yourself by an outcome you can’t fully control? Hit reply and let me know. I read every response. Connect with KurtKurt Bush is a co-founder of Brimstone Coaching Group, a certified Internal Family Systems practitioner, a trauma-informed coach, and the co-author of Live Fully, Lead Authentically. His career has taken him through manufacturing, human resources, nonprofit leadership, and coaching. At Brimstone, Kurt helps leaders identify the patterns that keep them exhausted, frustrated, or stuck. His work creates space for reflection so people can lead with more clarity and show up more authentically at work and at home. Follow Kurt On his website: https://brimstonecoachinggroup.com On his podcast, Live Fully. Lead Authentically.: https://open.spotify.com/show/4dlfGR8hGw2NJhSSGEPzOI?si=075a3ec45bc64044 On Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kurtbush1/ On LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kurt-bush-7b345830b/ Read his book, Live Fully, Lead Authentically: https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084 On the Show This WeekContinue the ConversationThis week on Gap to Gig, I sat down with Kurt Bush to talk about the hidden cost of performing success. We explore why misalignment creates exhaustion, how stress from work follows us home, and why reflection can change the way we lead and parent. Kurt brings a practical perspective to inner work. You don’t need to solve everything at once, but you do need to notice the moments when you’re showing up differently than you intended. We get into:
Check it Out🎧 Kurt Bush on Redefining Success as a Working Dad Listen on your favorite podcast platform The Last LaughVideo replay confirms the call… OUT. and the PARENTS won 💪🏽 #baseball #funny #fyp #blowthisup #viral @jashir_thekid |
